I was challenged today to fight for my self worth. I didn’t like that. It made me face some fears. So I figured I’d share my thought process as I mustered up the courage to have a tough conversation. Here it is.
What do I want? To not have to think about what I want. I want for what I want to just come to me. That’s what I want. I want my worth to be assumed and reflected without having to stand up for it. Is that laziness? Maybe. It’s probably more fear. Yea it’s fear. But fear of what?
Fear that I’m… [audible sigh] – it’s so complex. It’s layered. I want to say it’s fear that I’m not worth as much as I think. But that is a superficial fear. The reality is that I’m afraid I know my worth, and that I will have to convince others of that worth. I fear that that’s just the first layer of the fear too. The next is that those I’m convincing with then challenge me, and I’ll have to stand up for my worth. And then the next layer is that fighting for my worth will lead to success! And then I’ll have to continue to actually be that level of worth.
The deepest layer, the one I struggle to face most of the time, is that I’ll prove to them and myself that I am that worthy of whatever I fought for, and since I’ve proven it, I’ll have to continue to prove it. And I’ll keep rising higher and higher and have farther and farther to fall.
That’s what I fear. I fear my worth. I fear whether I have the strength to fight for it. I fear learning I do have that strength and that it’s possible to lose that strength.
Oh what a world! What a life we live!
“Don’t just exist. Do something every day that scares you.”
Love yourself,
~ Britt
